I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
