So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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