trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
