you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
