just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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