you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize