I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
