My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
