Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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