the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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