Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
