I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
