Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
