between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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