is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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