I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
