why didn't you poke me back
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
