Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
