I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
