I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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