He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
