So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
