I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
