i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
