I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
