I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
