There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
