Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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