I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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