My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
