Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
