my phone needs a breathalizer
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
