I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
