I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
