Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
