maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my shit smells like andre
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
