What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize