I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
