what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
