she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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