The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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