Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She told me I should be a condom model.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
