Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
