Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
