New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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