I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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