So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
