Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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