My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
