I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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