So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
