I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am one with the molecules
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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