I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
not ubering you a puppy
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
