Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize