I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
