I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
