Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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